And I'm pissed. Mike has come out of remission and his diagnosis has changed to pnh. I'm so mad it has turned irrational. I take it out on the trash can that won't wheel into the drive way pad or the kitchen cabinet that won't open unless I yank it forcefully and slam it closed over and over and over until I find myself sitting on the floor, crying with sore knuckles and a busted up cabinet door.
He JUST got better. It hasn't even been 6 months since the last flare up.
I need more time. I'm trying to build a business so I can take care of him and the kids. I went from pizza delivery girl to stay at home mom to selling crafts as a hobby. I'm nobody. I'm nothing. I do not feel capable. I am not business savvy. I'm just trying to earn enough money so he can spend time with me and the kids.
I'm supposed to have faith but it isn't there and that makes me feel an outsider to the people of faith. All I can think it that I need to prepare. Prepare for life with him sick and life without him. But how do you do that? You can't and it isn't rational thinking. Logically I know this. Logically I can think through this and work harder and believe harder and maybe there is some magical diet that will make him healthy and energized with whole bone marrow.
I wasn't sure if I should post this. It is intensely personal and it shows me at my most vulnerable. But the kindness and support you all have shown me has been something I have grown to depend on. Normally I withdraw. I hole up in my mind until a solution presents itself or time heals hurt. But this is effecting my thoughts and my work in an unpredictable manner.
* I just wanted to say thank you for all your emails, comments and prayers. Today, I got up, I pulled my hair back, rolled my sleeves up and got to work. Because of your love and care, I do not feel alone. I am overwhelmed by your support. I will keep you updated on Mike and he says thank you also. It is amazing how much strength you can gain just by words shared. Thank you so much.