Hope on my Heart

I find Basha Beads very inspiring.

Discovering blogs...

I remember discovering blogs in 2004.

My daughter was not quite a year old, I was still nursing, sitting for hours each day, I surfed the internet for dead tree images and found her.....

L.K. Ludwig.

I soaked in her art, relating to the out of ordinary work she was creating. Stark images, not filled with sunlight, but bare branches and grey skies. The mix of techniques and unusual materials excited me. She had a free, no boundaries type of  creating that allowed me to relax and enjoy the process of learning and experimenting.

She taught me how to journal my processes, balance my time with parenting and personal expression (I did not have the guts to call my work "art" yet, it was just what I needed to do to things.).

She shared her life, in deeply personal ways that drew me into her world and had me cheering her on.

I never commented, my words were always said more eloquently by others, but she was a part of my life.

And she was a great influence on what my hands created.

Learning from her about 

Nina Bagley 

and her work with transparencies, assemblages of items from nature, presented in ways that allowed me to focus on their raw beauty. 

I grieved with Nina and her writing. I felt her words and used her wisdom to prepare myself for parenting older children, caring for aging parents and even finding love again. 

I learned of copyright issues for artists through Nina and made changes in how I channeled inspiration into my "own thing".

Reading Nina's blog introduced me to 

Susan Lenart Kazmer 

And my jewelry has never been the same since.

Susan's rough unpolished industrial work gave me ways to think outside the box. Using assortments of odd materials to build personal talisman was a way to create without having to purchase main stream supplies.

While it would still be awhile before I could pay for a full metal bench, Susan's influence in found object jewelry kept me happily assembling until I could afford to invest in a Jewelry Technicians course that taught me metal basics.

These women and their willingness to share themselves, changed me. 

I am so grateful and hope as time passes I can do the same for another girl. Perhaps sitting on the floor of an old bookstore as I type, flipping through used pages of some altered art publication and feeling something spark, grow and extend into.....

 purpose. 

Much Love & Respect,

Shannon

I imagine you....

and the hard day you've had. 

The less than ideal job you've had to put up with today. The rude, unhappy people who tried to spread their negativity to you, the feeling of being out of place and having to do something you didn't want to do.

I imagine you coming home, to your sanctuary. 

You collect your mail and there is a package from 

missficklemedia!

You forget your hard day, you forget your troubles for awhile as you unceremoniously dump your work crap on the counter and rip open your package.

There is the familiar kraft paper wrapping and bakers twine, you see it all there and your mind begins racing;

this link with that bead you've been hoarding, this clasp for the unfinished bracelet waiting for you, these pairs of beads for the new earring collection you have hovering in your mind, the hoops unlike any other you've seen, this pendant for your friend to go with this chain that makes you think of far off places.

You scramble for your tools, you begin sorting and stringing and nothing else matters as you allow the creativity that simmers beneath your surface to surge through your mind and hands.

You lose yourself in color and texture and technique as your jewelry comes together.

The day ends not so bad after all.

See what has come from your energy?

You are okay, you are talented, you are right where you want to be and not only ready for the next day, but excited about it.  

Thank you for giving my work purpose. 

Thank you for allowing me to take your mind off your troubles for awhile in a healthy productive way.

Because that is what you do for me.

Some things unsaid

I seem to be having a delayed reaction to my life changes. 

Character issues, self-expression, personal goals, dynamics in relationships... nothing is the same and I am normally a creature of routine.

The shock of abandonment has worn off and if I could just admit that I am angry.

I am not beating myself up over it, but it HAS to be fixed.

I can't go through the rest of my life feeling as if my soul has been cleaved in two and that everyone is out to get me.

A life free of panic attacks, nightmares, distrust and half-assed parenting is now my new goal.

"i am glad i left - it was the best decision i have ever made... but i guess because i was in motion and in survival mode with the adrenaline rush for the first few months, things didn't settle in... 

 now i am just tired, lost, and struggling..."

anonymous

Thank you to all the women who bravely shared their inner torment, their outward shame and their inability to function for months, sometimes years, after separation and divorce.

It is because you shared that with me that I know this is a time I just have to let pass while keeping ever mindful of the effects of my behavior on other people.

(It's really hard to remain professional right now and that could ruin my business, not to mention alienate me from crucial relationships that I need.)

And because YOU  have gotten through it, I know I will too; weirdness and all.

And to those of you who say things like;

"You're better off alone."

And then go get into the same bed with the same man and put your head on his chest and complain about your mother or your online friends...

I hope you remain blissfully ignorant forever.

the beast and his dork, Aug. 2011

Ribs & Moonshine

Missficklemedia.com's accountant celebrated with me on a narrowly missed OWE turned RETURN, with BBQ ribs and Apple Pie Moonshine.

My Pops

The goods being produced ....

ON SCHEDULE!!!

(I hope Erin brought me a bead back from Philly!)

The man who accompanied me during their construction;

Citizen Cope

I LOVE how he thinks about women and the way he has overcome personal tragedy, his rise in fame and respect in the music industry and his remaining humble attitude.
Plus it is so much safer to develop a crush on an unobtainable guy, then say....
one who lives across the highway. 

This is a link to my favorite playlist of his work;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUfh5mbjjrw&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9BtbvSwGFz4CXFrOhCRT95y

 Okay! Back to work! I've got some brush finishing to do!

Beading in Bed.....

Close Up;

Hey now. Be nice.

Learn all the facts before you go judging me.

Science Center April 2009

I never showed myself before now, because I was overweight and embarrassed about how I looked.

I was overweight because I ate too much of the wrong foods and I didn't move my body enough.

That was my problem, not to be confused with whatever YOUR problem is; medical, emotional, genetic.... whatever. You would know better than I. 

But I worked really hard. 

First conquering my addiction to sugar, making sure I ate under 11 grams of sugar each day. This change allowed me to fight cravings for the wrong foods and start making better food choices.

Like plant based foods...... lots of fruits and vegetables.

Than I started walking. Just a little bit at first, going further and further each day. Walking harder in sand dunes that stretched and activated atrophied muscles.

I started to feel better. I didn't crash. I slept more soundly. My moods were more even and my menstrual cycle didn't completely halt my life like it used to, due to less pain.

I looked better, I had better self esteem and I wanted to do even more for myself.

So I started wii fit yoga. Just 20 minutes a day. Still walking, still not eating sugar.....

The results were immediate. 

I got to buy new clothes in a size 10!

I hadn't been a size 10 since after Christian was born in 2000!

So I kept going, I was alone a lot so I had more time to think about me. But the kids encouraged me from the couch as I added strength training and running to my every other day routine.

Where I had back pain and fatigue all the time before, I now had flexibility and stamina!

 I could lift heavy things. I could run with my kids.

It was so beautifully healthy and it was happening at the worse time in my life, I had no one to share it with. The person I had always gone to for encouragement and celebration was gone.

So I share my new self respect with you.

I share my new found happiness with clothes and accessories with you.

I am not worthless. I am not stupid, ugly or boring.

I'm just me.
:)

and I can say that I HAD a problem with overeating and a sedentary life before but now I do not.

And I am really proud of that fact.

Much Love & Respect,

Shannon

Aplastic Anema turns to PNH

And I'm pissed. Mike has come out of remission and his diagnosis has changed to pnh.  I'm so mad it has turned irrational. I take it out on the trash can that won't wheel into the drive way pad or the kitchen cabinet that won't open unless I yank it forcefully and slam it closed over and over and over until I find myself sitting on the floor, crying with sore knuckles and a busted up cabinet door.

He JUST got better. It hasn't even been 6 months since the last flare up.

I need more time. I'm trying to build a business so I can take care of him and the kids. I went from pizza delivery girl to stay at home mom to selling crafts as a hobby. I'm nobody. I'm nothing.  I do not feel capable. I am not business savvy. I'm just trying to earn enough money so he can spend time with me and the kids.

I'm supposed to have faith but it isn't there and that makes me feel an outsider to the people of faith. All I can think it that I need to prepare. Prepare for life with him sick and life without him. But how do you do that? You can't and it isn't rational thinking. Logically I know this. Logically I can think through this and work harder and believe harder and maybe there is some magical diet that will make him healthy and energized with whole bone marrow.

I wasn't sure if I should post this. It is intensely personal and it shows me at my most vulnerable. But the kindness and support you all have shown me has been something I have grown to depend on. Normally I withdraw. I hole up in my mind until a solution presents itself or time heals hurt. But this is effecting my thoughts and my work in an unpredictable manner.

* I just wanted to say thank you for all your emails, comments and prayers. Today, I got up, I pulled my hair back, rolled my sleeves up and got to work. Because of your love and care, I do not feel alone. I am overwhelmed by your support. I will keep you updated on Mike and he says thank you also. It is amazing how much strength you can gain just by words shared. Thank you so much.

To be or not to be

personal. 

On your blog. Open to the whole wide world.
My kids, my husband and his job woes, my personal struggles with balancing work and home.
The goofy mundane;

 Yammering on about how I forgot to put a plate under the thawing meat and it dripped meat blood over every nook and cranny in my refrigerator and I had to get down on my hands and knees for 2 hours and scrub the congealed, bacteria ridden meat blood off with the last roll of paper towels that were not BOUNTY because I sent my husband to the grocery store instead of going myself even though I knew we needed household goods and the man doesn't know proper household good brands from the generic cheap brands to save his life.

Or the embarrassing;

Here, I'm going to insert a photo of me in this spot so you can nod sympathetically and pretend to reach forward for my hand in that comforting way that woman know how to do.

I received my first negative feedbacks.
 Technically I had 1 negative feedback from a non paying buyer that etsy refused to take off even though her account has since been closed (She was a chronic non-payer that had a like a 67% feedback). But these new most recent are for faulty product. That is devastating to me.

Honestly, I am not sure what happened to her 2 pendants.
Whether they got wet, the resin hadn't cured or maybe she used them as car mirror decorations like my sister does (argggh).

I've sold thousands now, (over 9,000 polymer clay pendants) both online and in stores, and never had this complaint before, but it doesn't matter. I never want a customer of mine to be stuck with faulty product. That is why I sincerely believe in having a 100% guarantee.

I offered a refund or replacements to fix the situation.

But the response was so casual; "Don't worry about it", that I am at a loss as to how to feel now.

I grow with criticism, I have learned  a lot from my neutrals and improved my performance at customer service, product quality and secure shipping. But I've never received 2 negative reviews before.

 
From the customers point of view, you buy something cute, you get it, it doesn't meet expectations, you regret the purchase and you put it away, not really thinking about it. Then sometime later you go the website and you are reminded you have to leave feedback and you start going down the list and come to the disappointment. Do you stop what you are doing, contact the seller, make them aware of the problem, wait for a response that could be defensive or never come? Yeah, I understand. There have been a few items that I just didn't want to go through the hassle but felt like the seller should still know. But I didn't leave negative feedback because it was my choice not to do something about the less then satisfactory transaction.

I know that logically it doesn't matter, I still have 100% feedback and most people will still shop from a store that has a few negatives. But it bothers me. A lot.

I should be writing.....

but instead I am reading this;

http://lifespatula.blogspot.com/

It's weird how you can be friends with someone you have never met. And even more weird how you can be completely different with nothing in common but still identify intensely with them.


Since my last post I turned 36 and celebrated 10 years of marriage. Both happenings rather miraculous and if I dwell too long on those 2 milestones I feel stunned and queasy. I stopped the inner dialogue after the question I posed to myself made me go still for several minutes, posed over the kitchen sink, sponge in one hand, bowl in other, immersed in my ever present role of indentured servant;

"Are you happy with how things are going so far?"

"Why, yes I am."

And that was good enough for me. No need for further introspection or sizing up. I just finish cleaning up the snack mess from kiddo 1 and help kiddo 2 find her pokemon ball.

An ink pad, an ipod, and a glass of wine

I am a simple girl. I like simple things.
I feel sometimes as if I have had some hard livin' and I can be simple and relaxed now.
There is a lot I haven't done, so perhaps this relaxed attitude is inappropriate.
Maybe it is temporary and once the kids are more grown-up I will be more motivated to experience life at it's fullest once more.

I'm a crazy person

What do you think of that picture? Is anyone else into fiber? Well, let me tell you ~ I am!
I have about 4 shoe boxes filled with colored thread, textured strings, art fibers, ribbons, and yarn and this is my new favorite.

I took place in a swap and my swap partner, Burps Liberty, tied up my package with the fiber above.
I had never seen anything like it and finally she wrote and told me what it is.
*Recycled Silk Sari Yarn*

So in the midst of polymer clay pendants, pmc, wire-wrapping pearls, collaged tags and art journaling, I have started a new hobby. Because it wasn't enough to just shop for the silk yarn, OH NO ~ I have to find the raw silk fibers, buy a drop spindle and spin my own. I totally do not have the time or money for this!

The reason why this is all so crazy?

I DON"T EVEN KNOW HOW TO KNIT.

True Love

This is my true love.

He is beautiful, smart, strong, funny, sweet, confident, sensitive, impulsive, easy-going, thoughtful, athletic, calming, and romantic.

He is a wonderful father, a faithful husband, an over comer, a go getter, enterprising, inventive, slow to anger, and quick to apologize.

My life changed when I met him and I continue to change for the better because of him.

I laugh more, I have more patience, and I understand the opposite sex a lot better!

We met delivering pizza for Imo's in 1999. Isn't that funny!?! He gave the place a professionalism that wasn't really there. He made me laugh so hard, I routinely snorted water out of my nose because he 'd always get me while I was taking a drink. He was sooooo cute. I always avoided cute guys before, they were egotistical and intimidating and less grateful to be with me!:)

I tried not to date him, I'd just broken up with someone and was tired. When I did spend time with him, I refused to kiss or even hold hands with him. He had actually gave up on me.

But I didn't like that so I finally called him and he surprised me by asking to come by my parents house to drop off an Easter card. My mom said to invite him for dinner, so I did.

That day I saw Mike as the easy going, charming, good looking, funny, adapting man he is.

He just....... flowed.

My family loved him and he actually made hanging out with them fun.
And he had a crisp white shirt on with beautifully tailored pants and Elizabeth Taylors Passion Cologne. My Lord. He was fantastic!

We were married 6 months later.