I seem to be having a delayed reaction to my life changes.
Character issues, self-expression, personal goals, dynamics in relationships... nothing is the same and I am normally a creature of routine.
The shock of abandonment has worn off and if I could just admit that I am angry.
I am not beating myself up over it, but it HAS to be fixed.
I can't go through the rest of my life feeling as if my soul has been cleaved in two and that everyone is out to get me.
A life free of panic attacks, nightmares, distrust and half-assed parenting is now my new goal.
"i am glad i left - it was the best decision i have ever
made... but i guess because i was in motion and in survival mode with the
adrenaline rush for the first few months, things didn't settle in...
now i am just tired, lost, and struggling..."
anonymous
Thank you to all the women who bravely shared their inner torment, their outward shame and their inability to function for months, sometimes years, after separation and divorce.
It is because you shared that with me that I know this is a time I just have to let pass while keeping ever mindful of the effects of my behavior on other people.
(It's really hard to remain professional right now and that could ruin my business, not to mention alienate me from crucial relationships that I need.)
And because YOU have gotten through it, I know I will too; weirdness and all.
And to those of you who say things like;
"You're better off alone."
And then go get into the same bed with the same man and put your head on his chest and complain about your mother or your online friends...
I hope you remain blissfully ignorant forever.
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| the beast and his dork, Aug. 2011 |
Amen. Well said. Your goals are right on target. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHey beautiful girl, it gets better.
ReplyDeleteYou're a strong, resourceful, creative person and you'll find your way through this.
Please, don't be too hard on yourself or worry so much about how you effect others. Your loveliness shines through the pain and is what others remember.
So sorry you are struggling! I really truly do hope that you are able to find peace and happiness. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteOh Shannon, I'm so sorry that you or anyone has to go through this but I'm glad you know it's part of the process and you will get through it.
ReplyDeleteSome days you will think you're over it and then it will bring you down again. It may take longer than you think it should but there's to time limit on grieving and growing. Can you tell I've been where you are? I won't tell you you're better off alone because I don't live your life and I hope your life unfolds the way that is right for you. And I know you realize how fortunate you are to have your children and your parents. I know you will do more than just survive, you will bloom and prosper. But along the way feel free to share the pain. I(we) are there for you.
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteI got married at 19 and then divorced when I was 49. A 30 year marriage with two children. When I was going through the divorce I belonged to a group called a Sacred Circle. They were older women and, coincidentally, all but one had been through a divorce.
One of them told me, "It will take one year for every five years you were married to recover." I didn't believe what she said, but she was right. It's been 8 years since my divorce. I'm now remarried and happier than I ever dreamed I could be.
That friend was right it took me six years. Not to get over the divorce but to get over the marriage and be able to be joyful...for the first time in my life.
You must walk through the fire to come out on the other side completely healed. Give it time. You're doing the right thing to be angry and hurt. That's where you're supposed to be right now. Good job.
Hang in there! You are entitled to have all the feelings you have had and will have. And life will get better because you will make sure that it does. I can tell you are a strong lady. Take care of you and your kids. That's what matters most. Sending good vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Shannon. Wish I could make you a warm cup of tea,and sit and make it all better. I do know the pain eventually goes away, and the peace comes back. Time will be your friend. Lots of love, Riki
ReplyDeleteAwwwww. Sending you love light and speedy healing dear one.
ReplyDeleteBreak ups SUCK. Le sigh.
Dear One, My thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle through this most painful time. As I look into your beautiful blue eyes, I cannot see a dork anywhere, unless that is a term of endearment. May you find the strength to get through and find life on the other side.
ReplyDeleteShannon, I think that when people buy handmade, they are buying a little part of YOU, and by you expressing yourself here, I think people will connect with you better. It shouldn't hurt your business. If they don't want to know you, they don't have to read your blog. If you need to vent or share or open up, do it! Only time will heal. Love those babies, and take one day at a time. ITs all you can do.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a brave strong woman and I love you <3 We are never better off alone, but it is good to be alone for awhile when we are healing. That way we can find ourselves again or discover our new selves if the old ones are gone forever! And that is OK!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty and bravery are a wonder to witness, and your pain breaks my heart (again) because I know that pain so well. You are young and beautiful and you will heal. Be well, my dear. And to those who have not experienced this, pray you never do.
ReplyDeleteFirst shock, then understanding, later adjustment. It takes time, as you say yourself. I bet you're a much better parent right now than you think:)
ReplyDeleteIt is the perennial problem being your own boss, nobody can do your job for you, you are the whole company. I hope you find some time to rest and have fun in the middle of it all. I just had my first sick leave in ten years, and the people I work for have been just great. But now I work so hard to get back on track:( Being your own boss is fulfilling, but also tough.
Best wishes!!
We are are here when you need or want us! Please check my post tomorrow so you see I have been thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteOh...Shannon...it sounds like you are in a hard spot. I have total faith in you that you will move through this and come out on the other side with your self, your family, and your business in tact. While I have not gone through exactly what you're going through, I know that I've faced some of my roughest times by putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on getting through an hour and then a day at a time. Thinking of you and hoping for a better day for you tomorrow. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh, Shannon, your eyes say it all! Your goals are commendable and Time is your friend in making adjustments. It was the tortoise that finished the race, so baby steps will work for you! It's expected to feel weird, but your new niche will gradually open up when the time is right. In the meantime, keep on doing the best you can, because I know that's what you've been doing all along. No one can expect more than that. We're all out here sending support and I hope you'll think of that often!
ReplyDeleteShannon - just putting the vibe out there again - you are daily in my thoughts and heart. What Staci said is wise - we are all in relationship - family, friends and fellow artisans. We love you and support you as you have loved and supported us all.
ReplyDeleteKTott, Supreme Dork
I just read this, my eyes filled with tears at your pain. Sending you MASSIVE HUGS all the way across the Atlantic.
ReplyDeleteYou WILL recover , but boy does it take WAYY too long. One day your ex will just be a benign has-been who you will barely recognise on photos. Not that you will bother even looking at any photos of him. Soon you will delight in just being YOU- and doing what pleases you. You don't NEED anyone else. I like to think of a man as an optional extra. And one day , when you didn't expect it you will meet a soulmate. But he would have to be pretty damn good to make you give up your new found independence. Hang on in there girl - it gets better I promise. Now go listen to "Im a survivor " by Destinys Child , or "I will Survive " by Gloria Gaynor or any other ladypowerballad that floats your boat. You are a brilliant and beautiful person. XX
I do not know what you are going through, but I am so sorry and hurt for you very much.
ReplyDeleteI have not been divorced, but I have been betrayed. I have been left behind and alone. Except I wasn't alone, I just felt like I was.
May you find peace and contentment.
May you find joy and hope.
Much love and prayer going to you...
I really believe you will get through this. I know from a different side what a challenging and devestating situation this is....but you have love and support and with that surrounding you, I hope you will be able to face the challenges life throws at you. I think you have and continue to behave with dignity and I have enormous respect for you and the way you conduct yourself. You are awesome and like those ladies you cite in today's blog, I look up to you as a person, woman and an artist....hugs. X x x
ReplyDeleteI really believe you will get through this. I know from a different side what a challenging and devestating situation this is....but you have love and support and with that surrounding you, I hope you will be able to face the challenges life throws at you. I think you have and continue to behave with dignity and I have enormous respect for you and the way you conduct yourself. You are awesome and like those ladies you cite in today's blog, I look up to you as a person, woman and an artist....hugs. X x x
ReplyDeleteShannon~sending love to you. Sending a piece of my heart to you. I've been there. I've been betrayed. After 14 years of marriage and two children. It takes such time to heal, but heal you will. You are so wonderfully creative, sharing, a good person--good woman. I pray you'll feel our support! It WILL get better. It really will.
ReplyDeleteShannon, you ARE better off without him, but you're not in a place where you can see that right now-- nothing wrong with that. You'll get there. And when you do, you'll realize all this has given you some very special gifts. One day you'll be facing a challenge and realize "if I got throigh that, I can get through anything,". That kind of strength is always hard won. Meanwhile, be gentle with yourself and cut yourself some slack. Cherish and celebrate the good moments, because these really are the good old days, even though it doesn't seem like it now. I know you are having many lovely moments with your children and others in your family. Focus on the good. It wouldn't be a bad idea to do a book or bulletin board of pictures of things or moments that are blessings, so that when you're really struggling you can see all those things together in one place. I have a friend who got through something like this by making a list of 5 things she was grateful for, every morning.
ReplyDeleteBad times now means good times are coming. Your turn will come again.
I am so behind on visiting my blogs....those beautiful blue eyes with so much sadness in them truly break my heart...I don't know the words to say that will make you feel better...just know I am here for you......hugs....xox
ReplyDelete