I seem to be having a delayed reaction to my life changes.
Character issues, self-expression, personal goals, dynamics in relationships... nothing is the same and I am normally a creature of routine.
The shock of abandonment has worn off and if I could just admit that I am angry.
I am not beating myself up over it, but it HAS to be fixed.
I can't go through the rest of my life feeling as if my soul has been cleaved in two and that everyone is out to get me.
A life free of panic attacks, nightmares, distrust and half-assed parenting is now my new goal.
"i am glad i left - it was the best decision i have ever made... but i guess because i was in motion and in survival mode with the adrenaline rush for the first few months, things didn't settle in...
now i am just tired, lost, and struggling..."
Thank you to all the women who bravely shared their inner torment, their outward shame and their inability to function for months, sometimes years, after separation and divorce.
It is because you shared that with me that I know this is a time I just have to let pass while keeping ever mindful of the effects of my behavior on other people.
(It's really hard to remain professional right now and that could ruin my business, not to mention alienate me from crucial relationships that I need.)
And because YOU have gotten through it, I know I will too; weirdness and all.
And to those of you who say things like;
"You're better off alone."
And then go get into the same bed with the same man and put your head on his chest and complain about your mother or your online friends...
I hope you remain blissfully ignorant forever.
|the beast and his dork, Aug. 2011|