Monday, July 30, 2012

I'm 39 today.

I wake at 6, cause that's when the alarm goes off.
I lay in bed and try not to think about the fact that I do not hear "Good Morning, Sweetie." any more.
I usually use about 4 to 6 tissues before the mornings pep talk of;
"Pull up your boot straps, Girl! You have it easy compared to some!".
I make my protein shake, because nothing good comes of skipping it. 
I take a walk.
I drink some water.
I shower.
I fix my hair.
I put in my contacts.
I make an "effort" where an effort was not made before; "you never know who you might run into today" the hopeless romantic in me whispers. 
I make the kids their breakfast, ignoring the fact that cereal sounds as bad for them as the vats of chocolate I used to consume.
I start a load of laundry.
I clean up after breakfast.
I argue with myself over soda or green tea.
Green tea means I go straight to work, soda means I leave the house and buy one, then run an errand, then since I'm out, I run a few more, I spend money I do not have to get things done.
Work is emails until I can't think of any more words,
or the work bench where time loses its meaning.... my favorite of days.
I put off shipping until it absolutely has to be done, it requires so much concentration and time to get it done without mistakes, I dread it.
I fix the kiddos lunch, we sit together and talk.
 I make them laugh.
 I explain things and we make plans, some take money we don't have so we make other plans that do not require money.
They run from the table with kisses and
"I love you, Mom!"
I go back to work.
Photographing. Editing. Measuring & counting. Listing. More emails. Ugh. Math.
(Anything that requires math, I procrastinate on since Mike is gone.)
I work until Dinner.
Dinner is heat & assemble, I can't focus and I burn simple dishes so I use pre-made foods a lot.
It is a shame to the handmade movement.
The kids eat while I clean up the kitchen and graze without committing to a meal.
I tell the kids what is expected of them chore wise, how they can help keep the house, what we are doing tomorrow. I ask what they are playing, what game they are challenged by, what creative project they have cooked up in their fascinating brains. 
I gather materials that make it easier on them or I read project instructions or I try to explain concepts I really do not have a clue on.
I spend my evenings with Pinky mostly. She has the most needs right now.
She needs touching, reassurances, consistency and eye to eye attention. 
She needs to know I will not leave.
The evenings pass with various activities, I try not to work, even though it is always waiting for me.
I stay busy. 
I try to call people.
I check my match.com account and sign off without responding to a single advance.
I do not have the energy to listen to more heart break and that is all there is available at our age.
I spend but a moment pining for the passion of youth, when it was inconceivable to be unwanted.
I pour a drink and put on music, this gets me to the point where I just start moving.
I follow exercise routines I memorized from wii fit or youtube videos.
More music, colored lights that glow in the dark and lots of naturalistic sleep aids.
I smother love that wells up inside me and I pray.
I wait for sleep and I hope for a more joyful tomorrow.
Because everyone tells me it just takes time.




Wow, that 39 year old woman has rockin jewelry.
Happy Birthday, Serious Girl.
Maybe someone will give you a sense of humor for your birthday!!! 


 

33 comments:

  1. Happy birthday! I just got caught up (I haven't even been lurking most of the past year) and am so sorry to read about all you've gone through. Your strength is amazing and inspiring; your kids see and live that every day and will not only be fine but stronger for it. Here's wishing you a great new year.

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  2. Happy Birthday Shannon and lots of hugs. Be strong, I wish I had a magic wand to make all your dreams come true. I wish you peace of mind and good health and joy.

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  3. Happy Birthday my friend. I hope today is happier for you. :) xo

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  4. Happy Birthday Shannon! You have such strength and courage. May this year bring you joy, peace and happiness. (BTW - your jewelry is rockin')

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  5. Happy Birthday, Shannon! Why don't you skip all of the stuff that you have to do and just do something fun for yourself? You deserve it.
    Jeanine

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  6. Happy Birthday! Wishing you much joy and love today and throughout the year; they are sometimes found in the most unlikely places!

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  7. Happy Birthday Shannon! I can't give you that sense of humor that you wish for, but it may come to you this year from an unexpected place... a gift that you finally give yourself, when time has healed up some of your pain. I can give you kudos for being a very talented, compassionate and committed lady! You are a sensitive spirit who is trying to travel a new road, carving it out of rock and sand, never having dreamed of doing this alone much less doing it all all. Find peace in the thin spaces, the little unexpected moments where you feel connected to angels and something bigger than yourself. So my gift? I want you to grab a spiral notebook, slap the word 'Blessings' on the front of it, put today's date on the first page, and at the end of the day, list three things that you are grateful for, that have blessed your life today! Visit it tomorrow night, the next and next as well, creating a new habit... entering three blessings daily. Littlest of things count. Love you girl!

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  8. Happy Birthday! Believe it or not there are men out there who made it to 39 and were never married...my brother found the love of his life at 42 and is now blissfully married. He did have a few heartbreaks until that point, but when he met his wife he never looked back. It has taken me six years to mostly get over my divorce...sometimes I still want to slit his throat for the pain he put me through (a very similar situation to yours). It is so hard to learn to trust again when you have been betrayed, but eventually it does happen.

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  9. Shannon, I wish I their were words to soothe your heartache. Since there are none that I can think of, instead I wish you as happy a birthday as you can have at this time. Hang in there and let your creativity guide you through. PS. that girl does have some rocking jewelry :)

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  10. Happy birthday, Shannon. My birthday wish for you is a brighter tomorrow. All the best.

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  11. Happy birthday!
    I've been reading your blog for a long time and I've read every post. I won't presume to say that I know how you feel but I have been where you are and it does get better with time. You may not realise but you are already recovering, it's there in your writing.
    Look after yourself
    Deb x

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  12. happy birthday. better things will come your way. when the time is right. fill your life with friends and family. sending you hugs and hope. just checking the hop and read your blog. love your work. Laura from Canada.

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  13. Shannon,
    You are a beautiful talented and amazing woman. You are an inspiration to me as an artist and as a mother. Happy Birthday!
    Lisa

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  14. Happy Birthday Shannon! Wish I could give you a hug, a cyber hug will have to suffice (((HUG))). I don't know that I have the comforting words you need, I haven't been where you are, but I do know deep, gut-wrenching pain and it will, eventually, get better, or different. I do know that even if it's one step forward and two steps back, if you keep moving forward you'll get there. Your next birthday will be better, I know it.

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  15. Happy Birthday Shannon. I seriously believe things will get better for you soon. Your strength and beauty shine through so much more than you seem to realize. You are an amazing example of resilience, and your kids can't help but learn it from you. Stay strong and keep creating your beautiful work. You are an inspiration.

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  16. Happy Birthday Shannon. I seriously believe things will get better for you soon. Your strength and beauty shine through so much more than you seem to realize. You are an amazing example of resilience, and your kids can't help but learn it from you. Stay strong and keep creating your beautiful work. You are an inspiration.

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  17. I hope you had a wonderful birthday!

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  18. Hope you had a nice birthday! I enjoy reading your blog - you're a great writer and I love your Etsy shop.

    Hang in there - it will get easier.
    Rose

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  19. Happy Birthday Miss Shannon......I think you already have a great sense of humor.....because you are very self aware, and honest,,,,and you laugh quietly at yourself through your tears. Be gentle with yourself little Leo....and patient.....39 is a good place for you to be.

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  20. Serious girl, devoted girl, beautiful girl, I admire your strength, I love how you share with us your life, and struggles, and you are not alone. happy birthday! May it be a gateway to the rest of your life, a new beginning, that starts today!

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  21. I wish I lived near you. I love math and I'd be happy to help you. Happy Birthday a day late!

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    1. Me too, I also like math and would love to help. Happy birthday, if a bit late. The box arrived and its contents very, very beautiful!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! :))))))))))))))))))))))

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  22. Happy Belated Birthday! It is wonderful to read about your relationship with your children. May this coming year be sweeter in more ways than one.

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  23. Shannon,

    Happy belated to you - I'm not sure that I can say anything that hasn't already been expressed here. I know we're not friends, per say, but I feel a kinship to you that makes me want to give you a hug. I truly hope that your strength brings you immense happiness in the coming year - sometimes the longer we have to wait, the sweeter things are.

    Thank you for the endless inspiration...

    Nikki

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  24. Shannon,

    Happy belated to you - I'm not sure that I can say anything that hasn't already been expressed here. I know we're not friends, per say, but I feel a kinship to you that makes me want to give you a hug. I truly hope that your strength brings you immense happiness in the coming year - sometimes the longer we have to wait, the sweeter things are.

    Thank you for the endless inspiration...

    Nikki

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  25. Shannon,

    Happy belated to you. I'm not sure that there is anything I could say that hasn't already been written here. I know that we're not friends, per say, but I feel a kinship to you that makes me want to give you a hug. I hope that your strength brings you immense happiness in the coming year. You are unique, creative, strong, beautiful, and--most of all--worth it. Sometimes the longer we have to wait, the sweeter it is.

    Thank you for the endless inspiration...

    Nikki

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  26. And I can't wait to give the gifts away - Christmas is too long away:))) (I have to get them out of the house, or I will keep them myself - how is that for being sort of altruistic?)

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  27. Happy Belated Birthday Shannon. Don't settle for anything less than someone who treats you like a lady, a hopeless romantic, and someone who loves taking care of the woman he loves. It will come when the time is right and you are ready to move forward.....probably when you least expect it. Just be careful and don't let your emotions cause you to make a decision that is not the very best.

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  28. Happy Belated Birthday. May each day in your upcoming year shower you with a bit more happiness each day.

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  29. thank you for sharing this. and happy belated birthday! your strength shines through and it's inspiring. and thanks to the person who suggested the blessings journal! I am starting one today!

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  30. Thank you, these comments make me cry from relief not sadness.

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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog, it means a lot to me.
Shannon