Friday, September 7, 2007

You will laugh....

This is not my story, I am unsure who wrote it, but if you take a few minutes, you will laugh so hard!

Wax is not your friend!
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no
hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair, the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have
a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she
has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter -

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants
to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What
do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny.


  1. Now, that`s a good point to make a promise to yourself - do never-ever wax!
    Or go to professional...although they can make mistakes too...... so better, don`t never-ever wax!

  2. Oh my gosh!!!
    where did you find this story??
    or are you just sharing this story under an "assumed" (anonymous) name?!!?
    I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself!
    thanks! (I think.) ;)

  3. I know! I thought to myself "I have to share this with my girlfriends!"

    Forwarded through my mom, from my sister - I'll have to ask her where she got it from.

  4. I saw this somewhere once before and laughed so hard!
    I have to have regular waxing of my eyebrows (imagine Brooke Sheilds in the '70 but much, much more!) but I always leave it to the pros!


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